Michael
BREAKING: Bolsonaro and 36 Others Indicted for Plotting “Grandmas’ Tea Party” Coup
Brazilian Federal Police Discover Elaborate Scheme Involving Lawn Chairs and Home-Baked Goods
In a shocking turn of events that has left both samba dancers and armchair political analysts breathless, Brazil’s federal police have reportedly unveiled a clandestine cabal of alleged coup culprits, led by none other than former President Jair Bolsonaro. The plot, which insiders have dubbed the “Grandmas’ Tea Party Coup,” allegedly aimed to keep Bolsonaro in office post-2022 elections through a highly sophisticated system involving lawn chairs and home-baked cookies.
According to sources close to the investigation, the coup planning sessions were cleverly disguised as afternoon gatherings at an undisclosed senior community center. The group, which would later be known as the “Coup d’état Casserole Club,” consisted of Bolsonaro and 36 of his closest allies—or as they preferred to be called, co-conspirators.
Tea, Scones, and Subversion
Under the guise of sampling scones and debating knitting techniques, the group allegedly plotted to overthrow the very fabric of Brazil’s democratic process. Police reports suggest that the meetings involved intricate strategies to deploy battalions of synchronized lawn chairs as makeshift barricades, while a lethal operation of tea brewers would ensure that any opposing forces were either pacified or thoroughly caffeinated.
“The brilliance of this plan lay in its simplicity,” stated a police spokesperson. “No one expects to be overthrown by a contingent of individuals armed with nothing but decorative doilies and a passion for chamomile.”
The Escape Plan: Retirement Homes Abroad
Authorities claim the post-coup agenda included plans to retire immediately to Florida, where they would blend seamlessly into the existing community of ex-politicians and golf enthusiasts. The alleged plotters even had a backup plan involving a secret escape route via a fleet of mobility scooters.
Bolsonaro himself has yet to comment publicly on these accusations, though insiders claim he was overheard mumbling about switching careers to professional shuffleboard. Meanwhile, the global community watches with bated breath—and copious amounts of popcorn—as Brazil’s justice system squares up for what promises to be a courtroom spectacle rivaling any telenovela.
The World Reacts
International leaders have expressed their amusement and bewilderment at the audacity of a coup plan centered around afternoon tea. “This truly brings new meaning to the term ‘hostile takeover,'” chuckled one anonymous diplomat. However, rumors persist that several world leaders are considering bolstering their own national security forces with an elite squad of patisserie chefs and baristas.
As the dust settles and Brazil braces itself for the impending legal proceedings, one thing is abundantly clear: the age-old adage rings true—never underestimate the power of a well-organized tea party.
Penny Riter
