Michael
Visitor Quickly Realizes “What Happens in Vegas” is an Itchy Souvenir They Can’t Leave Behind
LAS VEGAS—In a stunning twist of events that surprised approximately no one, a recent guest at Fontainebleau Las Vegas Hotel has reported a burning sensation shortly after a deeply enlightening encounter with one of the city’s most professional professionals.
Adam “I’m Here on Business” Johnson had traveled to Las Vegas for a “conference” that no one is entirely sure actually exists. According to Johnson, his evening took an unexpected turn after engaging the services of a local escort, who reportedly offered a “24-karat experience” that could make even the most seasoned gambler fold.
“I was just looking for a good time,” Johnson innocently stated, from the comfort of a doctor’s waiting room. “But what I got was a fiery reminder that not all that glitters is gold.”
Despite the extravagance of the newly constructed Fontainebleau, which boasts luxurious rooms, world-class dining, and a small indoor rainforest that mysteriously thrives on cigarette smoke and broken dreams, Johnson’s focus now is on a souvenir that even the hotel’s gift shop couldn’t offer.
After spending a night that he describes as both “exhilarating and enlightening,” Johnson began experiencing a burn that not even the warmth of Las Vegas sunshine could match. “I thought it was the spicy margaritas,” he explained. “Turns out, it was more like a hot sauce I didn’t order.”
Medical professionals at the local clinic, who apparently have a special VIP room for such visitors, noted that Johnson’s case isn’t the first and certainly won’t be the last. “Vegas brings out the wild in people,” a nurse commented, “and sometimes that wild comes with a prescription.”
Meanwhile, Fontainebleau Las Vegas is reportedly considering launching a new marketing campaign with the slogan, “What Happens Here, Requires a Cream.” A hotel spokesperson stated, “We aim to provide unforgettable experiences. We just didn’t think they’d linger this much.”
As Johnson waits for his number to be called at the pharmacy, he remains optimistic, noting that he’s learned an important lesson: “Always read the fine print on the tourist brochures, especially the parts mentioning ‘full coverage.'”
For now, Johnson’s story serves as a cautionary tale for Vegas newcomers—reminding them that while the city is known for its vibrant lights and attractions, sometimes the souvenirs you take home are best left behind.
Penny Riter
